The Tuna is MINE

The Mom decided to make some tuna for lunch today. She gave the Brats some "tuna water" (the water in the can of tuna), but she knows that the actual tuna fish is mine. Not the Brats, not hers, mine. M-I-N-E. Simple concept, right? Well the two Doofi don't seem to get it. They think they're young and faster than an old fart. They may be, but they keep on forgetting that I am the expert on giving other kitties a good hard smack upside the head. They get a little too close to the tuna and THWAP! Right upside their dense little heads. That should teach them seniority is more important than youth. Stupid kittens.

My First Snarky-ism

Snarky-ism of the Day: If I'm howling at the bathroom door, that means I want to be let in so I can drink the water out of the bathtub. Got it?

So?

It's a box. Cats are supposed to like boxes. So what if it's a pizza box? It smells like pizza. You act like it's a bad thing.

What the heck is curling?

OK. What the heck is this? The Mom has been obsessed with this "sport" for the past week and is glued to the TV watching it. She tried to explain it to me but basically it's a bunch of humans tossing rocks on ice to try to get points. Oh my. How stupid can humans get? Tossing rocks on ice? Ha. It's more exciting to watch the Brats toss around the catnip balls on the kitchen floor. Who would want to watch humans tossing rocks?

I do wonder about her sometimes...

Hmph!

You know, all I want is a little warmth. The Mom got mad at me for complaining that it was cold in the place yesterday. Well, I'm sorry but I felt cold and even the Annoying One was crying for some warmth. The Mom says that we should all blame the Dad and some guy called Opeck for us having to keep the heat down. I know the Dad is hot all the time but he's weird. I don't know who this Opeck guy is but if I ever do meet him, I'm going to give him a good whap upside the head. No human should tell me how warm I can keep my home. Bah.

For cripes sake...

...TURN UP THE FREAKING HEAT ALREADY!!! Is that too much to ask for? I mean, I'm seeing my freakin' breath here.

**note from the Mom: the heat is up to 72 degrees so I don't know what she's complaining about**

At least the Annoying One has decided to leave me alone. That's always a good thing, though he was warm.

Oh ya. The big Brat Loki took my sleepy pillow but I took the Dad's pillow instead. It's closer to the heat thingie so it works out for the best. Plus, none of the other Brats sleep there so it's all mine. OK so it's not as comfortable either, but it's mine darn it. Why can't I have the house to myself?

Haiku time

Max the Psychokitty suggested that we kitties right some cat haiku, so here's my turn:

Oh the hellish Brats
Won't you just leave me alone
Go far away please

The laundry basket
Oh so safe for me to sleep
Quiet spot of mine

Not too bad, eh?

Stinky Numnums are MINE

In the mornings, the Mom splits up a half a can of stinky numnums between me and the Annoying One. On most mornings, he stays on his side of the counter and leaves me alone. That I can live with. The past couple of mornings, though, he finishes his food first and then starts going after mine. Nuh-uh. You'd think that the huge thwap I gave him upside the head would've gotten the message across, but noooo...I swear that cat is as dumb as Loki. I mean, I hissed, thwaped, growled, thwaped again, but he still tries to take my food. Finally, the Mom who is somewhere off in her own little world realizes what the Annoying One is doing and kicks him off the counter. Hmmm....maybe if I hit him hard enough he'll go flying off the counter. I got to remember that one.

Seniority rocks

Today the Mom opened up a whole bunch of windows to "let the air in." All I know is that it lets the cold in too but she never listens to my complaints. Anyways, it wasn't that cold and there were some good smells coming in so I figured I would jump on the window to enjoy them. But noooo....the Doofi beat me to it. They are so big that the two of them blocked the entire window sill. How rude! I was just going to jump up there and whap 'em a few times when the Mom kicked one of them off. "Give Ayla a chance to enjoy the window," she said and then put me on the sill. I guess seniority does have its advantages.

Oh ya. I've been tagged by The Monsters...

Here are the rules:
1. Go into your archives.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Post the fifth sentence (or closest to it).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same thing.

Well, let's see...

"I hate seeing the Mom and Dad so sad because they miss her."

Ah...that's when the Great-Grammy died. :(

If you want to do this one, tag, you're it.

Snow sucks

The Mom and the Dad were all excited today 'cause there was a big snowstorm. We supposedly got over a foot of snow. Whoopee-do-da. What's the big deal? All I know is that snow sucks. Why? 'Cause every single bone in my body HURTS when a big storm comes in. Plus it means that it's going to be really, really cold.

Later on, when I was snoozing peacefully in the laundry basket, the Mom drags me out so she can dump all her wet, snow covered clothes in there. Great. It's bad enough that she yanked me out of a sound sleep, but now I can't go back in 'cause it's all wet and cold. How rude. She wouldn't like it if I knocked a glass of water on the Big Sleepy Spot. Maybe I'll just toss up a hairball on her pillow.

Name Game

I was bored while the Mom was at school today and I came across the Cowboy's blog and his post about "what's in a name." Of course this got me thinking 'cause the Mom always comes up with these weird names for us.

Her first cat was Boo Boo. What the heck kind of name is that? Supposedly Uncle Martin gave her the original name of "Skates" but the Mom decided that wasn't "fitting." The name was from some silly human TV show about these really ugly chicks with dogs on their clothing. Humans are weird.

The second kitty was my bestest friend in the whole wide world, Xanadu. No, the Mom didn't name him after that really stupid movie. It's after a song by some band she still forces me to listen too constantly. Fast? Speedy? No....ah yes...Rush.

I was named after a fictional heroine the Mom was reading about when she finally settled on a name for me. However, the Mom in all her brillance took two weeks to give me an official name. It almost ended up as Fuzzy, which to me is just degrading. That's like naming me Brat or something. Bah. The heroine name is much more fitting.

After me was Moose. He wasn't too bad 'cause he left me alone and really liked Xanadu too. His real name was Thibault (pronounced T-bo), after a hockey player. Moose was more fitting 'cause he was really big.

Then there are the Brats:

• Kukai - The Mom found his name in a Japanese history book and liked it 'cause it sounded Japanese. She should've just named him The Annoying One. To me, that's his real name.
• Bomber - Supposedly this is short for Bombadir, a hockey player the Mom was a fan of. Ya, a big dumb human. Then again, this is one big dumb Brat.
• Bailey - She originally had the name Barlett, which to me sounds like a human barfing up a hairball. Luckily the Mom realized how awful it was and renamed her Bailey. Once again, she got the name from another stupid TV show.
• Phoebe - No creativity here. This was her name in the Bad Place (aka the Shelter) and the Mom kept it.
• Fizzy - Short for Fizzgig. I've seen the movie. Just imagine that little spaz monster as a cat. You have Fizzy.
• Loki - The Norse god of mischief. Hmmm. I think the Norse god of "this creature has not a single functioning brain cell in his head" would've been more fitting.
• Monkee - The Dad has this thing with monkeys. I don't know why as they are annoying creatures (though I like the whole flinging poop thing....ah I wish we had thumbs). Supposedly this Brat has a face that look like a monkey. As I said, humans are weird.

Ha Ha

The Mom decided to be funny by tossing a pair of her underwear onto my head when I was sleeping in the laundry basket. Why do the humans think this is "funny" or "cute?" It's freaking degrading is what it is. I'm sitting there minding my own business while I have a good snooze and boom! There's a stinky pair of underwear on my head. Well, I wasn't going to have it. I gave her my "evil eye" until she finally took the damn thing off my head. Geeze. The nerve of some people.

Undignified

The Mom plays a bunch of these stupid video games and I just found out that she used one of my photos to make her signature avatar, whatever the heck that means. She said the photo was "perfect" because I looked grumpy:



Hmph. If she wants to see grumpy, I'll SHOW her grumpy...

1,000 and counting

The Mom was so excited today when she saw that my blog's view count is now over 1,000. Whoopdee-freakin-do-da. Who the heck cares about view counts? I'm just using this as a place to vent. If you want to read it, then go ahead.

Anyways, the Mom is in a really grumpy mood today. She's upset 'cause she had "rough day" at school. Bah. She's got it easy. She got to go out and get away from the Brats all day which left me here alone to deal with them. Talk about a nightmare. At least when she's home most of the Brats flock to her, and that's usually in another room. This is perfect for me 'cause I get the Big Sleepy Spot all to myself and I can sleep in some peace. When she's out of the house the Brats get bored and bother me. See the problem?

On top of this, the Annoying One has been especially annoying lately. He is now trying to sleep next to me constantly. At least the idiotic kittens have finally learned to leave me alone, but this bozo who has known me for most of his nine years on this godforsaken planet just doesn't get it. LEAVE ME ALONE!!! How difficult a concept is that to grasp? Is he so thick skulled or brain damaged that he can't understand why I smack him around so much? It's darn well not out of love, I can tell you that. The Mom says that we're like an old married couple. I don't think so. At least in old married couples they actually liked each other at one point.

And the Mom thinks she has it so bad. Bah.

Predazone and new nicknames

I started taking those little Predazone pills and boy am I not liking it. The Mom is happy 'cause I seem to be eating more but I have no affinity to have pills shoved down my throat. She says that the pills are easier 'cause she's afraid of the stress on me of taking me to the vet every month for shots. Like the pills are any better? What masochist came up with this choice of a pill or shot? Can't they make little Predazone kitty treats that taste like salmon? You'd think with all this modern technology that the stupid humans have that they could come up with something to make our lives easier.

Then again, some really mean and stupid human came up with this. What the heck were they thinking?

On a lighter note, I think the Mom has given the two Doofi--never heard a more fitting name--new names. They seem to be Loki-no and Monkee-bad. I personally can think of better names for them but this is a PG rated blog.

Get that Camera Out of My Face!!!

The Dad just had to get the Mom a new camera for Christmas. Personally I think he just did it to torture me 'cause he knows how much I despite having that think pointed at me with all the flashing it does. Why do these stupid humans want to take pictures of us anyways when we're right here to enjoy in full life?

This morning the Mom went camera happy and starting taking pictures of all of us to try out her new camera. When she came to me, I tried to curl up into a little ball to give her the hint to leave me the #%&@ alone. But nooooooo. There goes the stupid flash over and over again. She even moved me to "get a better angle." The nerve. If I still had my front claws I would've showed her a thing or too. Instead, I just gave her my snarkiest look and went back to sleep.

The Torture Palace

There I was, nice and comfy on the Big Sleepy Spot, when the Mom grabs me and puts me in The Box. When she does that, it means one of two things: either we're moving or I'm going to visit the V-E-T. Well, there weren't any boxes being packed so it meant the latter. Grrr. Wasn't I just there not too long ago?

The Mom said she's worried that I'm losing too much weight. Well maybe if she fed me more stinky numnums I wouldn't be losing weight. Did she ever think of that? Noooo. So I get dragged to the mean nasty V-E-T. I got poked at and stabbed and they took more blood out of me. How am I going to live if they keep on taking my blood? Damn vampires.

The V-E-T thinks I may have irritable kitty bowel syndrome. Well I've been called irritable, but what does that have to do with my bowel? What's a bowel anyways? I was told I may have to eat pills each day to help with that. Yuck! I'm beginning to think that this V-E-T person dresses in leather and has a whole collection of whips at home. Why does she have to torture me like this?

The Annoying One

Somebody said to "take it easy on the little one" in a comment to my last post. Normally I would agree but I've been dealing with the Annoying One for EIGHT YEARS and he won't stop.

You see, we have a "love hate relationship:" He loves me, I hate him. Out of all the cats in this house, why does he have to bother ME? You'd think after eight years the dimwit would get the hint, but no. He keeps on annoying me. However, with the fact that it's been so cold in the house, I've put in a temporary truce and allowed him to curl up with me sometimes. But it's only temporary!

P.S. The Mom is yelling at me that she keeps the thermostat, whatever that is, at 70 degrees and she's not freezing us out. Well I don't care what she says. It's too darn cold in here.

Stop your whining!

The Mom is mad at me because I haven't posted in a while. It seems that you people have nothing better to do with your lives than read about me. Bah. What do you expect? It's been cold in this apartment and since the stupid humans won't turn up the heat, I've been hibernating in the laundry basket. I'm not giving up my warm spot to humor you people.

But since I'm here now...

Have I mentioned how much I hate laundry day? Yes, I know I've mentioned that the Mom likes to take away the nice pile of clothes from me. So today I said "the hell with it" and took over the bed. Well that didn't last long because the Mom kept on moving me around. She said she had to "change the sheets." Well hell. She takes my laundry and now she's taking the darn bed from me? Bah.

And then the Annoying One thinks I'm being "social" because I'm not in one of my spots. This cat needs a good swift thwap on the head. He doesn't seem to understand that I DON'T LIKE HIM. How hard is that to get? You'd think after the number of times I've beaten the living tar out of him that he would eventually get a clue.

I'm going back to sleep now.

Pepperoni goodness

I noticed that the Mom and the Dad had pepperoni for a snack last night and they weren't sharing. Well hell...I am the Queen of the house so I deserved some. I went right up to the Mom and took the pepperoni from her. If she's not going to share, I might as well take some for myself. She yelled that I "bit" her. Well, if she gave me the damn pepperoni in the first place, I wouldn't have had to resort to using force. That's what she gets.

Now if I can just figure out how to open the fridge.